Option B

After diagnosis of a serious medical condition in a beloved family member, I began reading Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. This book shares stories of people who’ve dealt with a traumatic event, helping us face adversity, become more resilient, and find joy again after life punches us in the face.

When she was 45 years old, Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO and mother of two, found her husband collapsed on the floor of the gym. He never woke again. Sheryl was devastated. Why him? Why so young? How could she have avoided this?

Two weeks later, as she prepared for what would have been a father-child activity, she cried in front of a friend, “But I want Dave!” Her friend replied: “Option A is not available. So let’s make the most out of Option B.” Sooner or later in our lives, we all lose Option A. This book is about learning to thrive with Option B. We can develop our resilience muscles, or “strength and speed of our resistance to adversity” (10). 

Here are two main lessons:

1. Trauma leads to three P’s to deal with: personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence.
2. “Grounded hope” speeds up the healing process, which is aided by spending time with others.

Lesson 1: Deal with the three P’s.

1. Personalization. It’s natural to blame ourselves, but let’s not blame ourselves for trauma (16).
2. Pervasiveness. Instead of the song “Everything is awesome,” we can stuck on “Everything is awful” (16). It’s important to accept feelings and embrace grief: “Lean into the suck” (23). It is also helpful to remember that “all life involves suffering” (24). And it’s OK to take “cry breaks” (24).
3. Permanence. Watch out for exaggerations such as “Everything is awful” and “I can never be happy again.” Substitute minimizing language such as “I sometimes struggle with this” and “Lately I feel sad” (21). Counterintuitively, ponder how things could be worse, then how grateful we are (25). Journaling can become a powerful tool for reinforcing gratitude and creating goals (67).

Lesson 2: Spend time in groups to develop "grounded hope," which helps us move on.

Often, people assume grieving folks want to be left alone, but isolation usually leads to despair.  Being among friends after trauma is helpful but can be awkward. If people feel awkward about talking with you, remind that that you want to be connected (38). Sheryl talked a lot with friends one-on-one, but spending time in groups is beneficial too, especially when it leads to something called "grounded hope" (hope with action). In 1972, the Uruguayan rugby team’s plane crashed in the Andes (128). Of the 33 people on board, 16 survived, thanks to being a group, not alone. They were stuck in the freezing mountains for 72 days, facing starvation, freezing temperatures and avalanches. These individuals had resilience within them, but also between them. When their broken radio received a message that the search was called off, they shared their dreams of what they’d do when they get back to civilization, keeping hope alive. On top of this psychological boost, they took practical next steps to improve their immediate future. These included locating the tail end of the plane to sleep in and sending small groups to get food. These are examples of hope grounded in action, which can turn trauma into triumph.

When Tragedy Strikes

The daily newspaper screamed the headlines: “Plane Crash Kills 43. No Survivors of Mountain Tragedy,” and thousands of voices joined in a chorus: “Why did the Lord let this terrible thing happen?”
Two automobiles crashed when one went through a red light, and six people were killed. Why would God not prevent this?
Why should the young mother die of cancer and leave her eight children motherless? Why did not the Lord heal her?
A little child was drowned; another was run over. Why?
A man died one day suddenly of a coronary occlusion as he climbed a stairway. His body was found slumped on the floor. His wife cried out in agony, “Why? Why would the Lord do this to me? Could he not have considered my three little children who still need a father?”

So begins a powerful essay by Spencer W. Kimball. He thoughtfully concludes that these questions are unanswerable without a precise understanding of God's motives. Yet too often we grow angry with God for allowing problems to happen. Or we choose to dwell in self-pity, blaming those who have caused our problems, not realizing that it poisons our own future growth and happiness.

President Kimball faced several health challenges that could have ruined his attitude toward life. Instead, he pressed forward with courage. In 1932 he began suffering from painful boils and infectious sores. In May 1948 in Arizona, he suffered severe chest pain from a heart attack. On his next assignment in Idaho, he again experienced chest pains, which escalated into another heart attack several days after his return. These^]chest pains returned during the next several years, particularly in times of greatest stress. Then, in early 1950, his throat began to be persistently hoarse. In late 1956, his hoarseness came back, coupled with occasional bleeding in the back of his throat. In early 1957 a doctor operated on his throat to remove some cancer and surgically removed one of President Kimball's vocal cords and half of the other, leaving him barely able to speak above a whisper. His voice remained raspy the rest of his life. In 1972, at age 76, he began having difficulty breathing and sleeping. Doctors discovered that he had serious heart disease and that his throat cancer had returned. Heart surgery was postponed so that he could undergo radiation on his throat, which was successful. On April 12, 1972, he underwent a 4.5-hour surgery, which was also successful.

After overcoming these severe health problems, President Kimball guided the Church through a period of dramatic growth. During the twelve years of his presidency, the number of missionaries increased by 50 percent, the priesthood was extended to all worthy male members, and the number of temples doubled.

Writing from this unique perspective of dealing with severe adversity, President Kimball discussed our premortal life and the attitude that we might adopt toward our challenges:

We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or unreasonable demands.

In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust in God, knowing that despite our limited view his purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share God’s glory.⁹

What an inspiring example of pressing forward with faith and courage! For more on this topic, see https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-2?lang=eng.