Option B

After diagnosis of a serious medical condition in a beloved family member, I began reading Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. This book shares stories of people who’ve dealt with a traumatic event, helping us face adversity, become more resilient, and find joy again after life punches us in the face.

When she was 45 years old, Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO and mother of two, found her husband collapsed on the floor of the gym. He never woke again. Sheryl was devastated. Why him? Why so young? How could she have avoided this?

Two weeks later, as she prepared for what would have been a father-child activity, she cried in front of a friend, “But I want Dave!” Her friend replied: “Option A is not available. So let’s make the most out of Option B.” Sooner or later in our lives, we all lose Option A. This book is about learning to thrive with Option B. We can develop our resilience muscles, or “strength and speed of our resistance to adversity” (10). 

Here are two main lessons:

1. Trauma leads to three P’s to deal with: personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence.
2. “Grounded hope” speeds up the healing process, which is aided by spending time with others.

Lesson 1: Deal with the three P’s.

1. Personalization. It’s natural to blame ourselves, but let’s not blame ourselves for trauma (16).
2. Pervasiveness. Instead of the song “Everything is awesome,” we can stuck on “Everything is awful” (16). It’s important to accept feelings and embrace grief: “Lean into the suck” (23). It is also helpful to remember that “all life involves suffering” (24). And it’s OK to take “cry breaks” (24).
3. Permanence. Watch out for exaggerations such as “Everything is awful” and “I can never be happy again.” Substitute minimizing language such as “I sometimes struggle with this” and “Lately I feel sad” (21). Counterintuitively, ponder how things could be worse, then how grateful we are (25). Journaling can become a powerful tool for reinforcing gratitude and creating goals (67).

Lesson 2: Spend time in groups to develop "grounded hope," which helps us move on.

Often, people assume grieving folks want to be left alone, but isolation usually leads to despair.  Being among friends after trauma is helpful but can be awkward. If people feel awkward about talking with you, remind that that you want to be connected (38). Sheryl talked a lot with friends one-on-one, but spending time in groups is beneficial too, especially when it leads to something called "grounded hope" (hope with action). In 1972, the Uruguayan rugby team’s plane crashed in the Andes (128). Of the 33 people on board, 16 survived, thanks to being a group, not alone. They were stuck in the freezing mountains for 72 days, facing starvation, freezing temperatures and avalanches. These individuals had resilience within them, but also between them. When their broken radio received a message that the search was called off, they shared their dreams of what they’d do when they get back to civilization, keeping hope alive. On top of this psychological boost, they took practical next steps to improve their immediate future. These included locating the tail end of the plane to sleep in and sending small groups to get food. These are examples of hope grounded in action, which can turn trauma into triumph.