Beyond Drama: Victims, Villains, and Heroes

Gary Harper wrote a profound article called "Conflict Drama: Victim, Villain or Hero?"

A Drama Triangle

As in fairy tales or movies, we often tell our own story with three types of characters: victim (damsel in distress or innocent youth); villain (witch, giant, or dragon); and hero (prince or princess). We tend to cast ourselves in the role of innocent victim or noble hero and define ourselves in opposition to a villain. Casting ourselves in these roles may, however, hinder getting what we really want.



Innocent victim
"Because conflict involves an attack or threat to us or our needs, we feel victimized. With the victim role comes a belief in our innocence as well as a feeling of powerlessness. . . . Although some people suffer in silence, we often express our frustration by complaining about the situation and blaming the person we see as responsible for our plight (the villain)."

Noble hero
"Though we initially experience conflict from victim mode, we may shift to hero mode to protect ourselves, defend our interests and even the score. This role encompasses courage and action, selflessness and nobility. . . . There is a darker side to the hero role, however, when righteousness becomes self-righteousness. In the pursuit of justice, the hero slays or captures the villain. When we agree that the hero's cause is just, we condone and even applaud these aggressive behaviors. We justify our own aggressive, hurtful behavior by telling ourselves, 'They had it coming.'"

Getting Stuck in Our Story

"When we see ourselves as victims or heroes, we automatically create villains in our conflicts. When we see (and treat) someone like a villain, they in turn feel victimized by us--and see us as the villain. Behaviors they consider self-defense, we experience as attacks and further evidence that we cannot trust or work with them. And the walls of judgment and justification thicken on both sides." These behaviors lead to a win-lose or lose-lose situation. But we can look for win-win solutions.

Casting New Roles

"We can shift our perspective to seek resolution instead of victory. We can explore possibilities that allow both sides to get what they need."

From passive victim to assertion
"We begin by taking responsibility for our feelings and reactions in conflict. We do not have to deny or devalue our feelings or needs, but can accept them as our own. After all, whose problem is it if you go home frustrated with your boss at the end of a workday? Who 'owns' the problem? (Hint: Your boss may be sleeping like a baby as you lie awake endlessly replaying the events of the day)." . . . Similarly, we can ask directly for what we need instead of quietly complaining to others about our plight. This is uncomfortable, yet empowering. It's uncomfortable because we can no longer blame others and refuse to change, empowering because we become an active participant in shaping our life."

From hero to problem solver
"The role of hero can be as unproductive as that of victim in resolving conflict. This self-righteous mindset condones our attack on the villain as justice. Attack is met with counterattack; the conflict persists and usually escalates. Our ego fuels the need to be right and we become attached to a specific outcome. At this point, the conflict often becomes a power struggle. We can address and resolve conflict much more productively if we let go of the need to be 'right' and focus instead on ways to get our needs met. This opens up possibilities we might otherwise ignore. The energy devoted to a win-lose power struggle can instead be applied to problem solving. This approach is often referred to as 'separating the people from the problem.'"

From adversaries to partners
"When we live on the drama triangle, we see the other person as our adversary--the villain. If only they would change, we reason, things would be fine. They stand between us and happiness. Ironically, they are usually thinking the same thing about us. To resolve conflict, we need to relinquish our roles as victim, villain, and hero and work with the other person to solve the problem. If we need a villain, let it be the problem, not the person." So, rather than talking about the person as the problem, we can talk with the person about possible solutions. Our enemy can then become our partner, or even our friend.