When Family Members Act Unlovable

Sometimes when our family members act unlovable, those are the times they need our love the most. Here I'm focusing on our relationship with teenagers when they sometimes act unlovable. When I say "act unlovable," I mean their outward behavior is sometimes an act--like good old high school drama. While inside, a teen may be desiring to belong to a family, sometime their outward behavior screams "I hate you!" In other words, while teens are forming their own values, separate from their parents' worldview, they can say things (intentionally or otherwise) that rile up parents' emotions, a kind of "I-dare-you-to-stay-calm-after-I-say-this" attitude. Why do they do this? Often while they are developing their own worldview, they experiment by bouncing controversial statements off a parent. Those are the times when we, as parents, can choose patience in order to prevent permanently damaging the relationship.

One way to not blow a gasket is to remember how much we love them and to focus on the relationship, using "not" statements to clarify our real intent. If a child becomes angry at a curfew, for example, we could say, "I'm not trying to ruin your life. I am trying to help you get rest so that you can do well in school."

Another way to maintain composure is to think about children's voyage into adulthood as a painful growing process from self-centeredness to interdependence. A child starts out self-centered, crying for food, diaper changes, and sleep, while providing little in return other than eventually smiling. They they gradually begin to give back to the family. Here's how this unfolded in my own life:

When I was born, I couldn’t care less that my mom hadn’t slept for twenty-four hours—I was hungry right then! I kept crying and fussing until she fed me. Over the course of the next weeks and months, she changed my stinky diapers and didn’t complain. It is true that hindsight is one thing that parents get too much of!

I didn’t know I was self-centered. I just had needs. Mom and Dad just kept on nurturing me. All I could offer her in return was the warmth of my smile and my hugs. Mom and Dad didn’t ask for more than that.

As a toddler, I fell down and scraped my knees. My parents fed and potty-trained me. I gradually began to learn that the world didn’t revolve around me. My siblings needed Mom and Dad’s time too.

As I grew, my needs increased in complexity. I needed reassurance when other kids at school didn’t treat me right. My parents’ expectations also began to increase. They gave me love and attention—but they began to expect to give back to the family. They asked me to work around the house and obey the family rules. They taught me to read and write, and they helped with my homework. Sometimes I became frustrated. They could be tough taskmasters. They had me weed our quarter-acre garden (but those strawberries were so sweet!) and hoe the seemingly endless rows of Douglas fir trees.

When I disobeyed or when they just had a bad day, I found out firsthand they were imperfect. They lost their tempers. They broke promises. But, despite a few rocky moments, they still showed love to me and my siblings. 

After having my own children, I began to realize how much my parents had done for me. Fortunately, our relationship was not too damaged through the teen years to the point that we couldn't repair that damage and become great friends again.

I made it through that journey, and I believe that often when I was the most unlovable, I was calling out in anguish for my parents to love me unconditionally, to help me through the growing pains of teen angst, to help me form my own values in a very confusing world, and ultimately to become a mature adult who could get along with others (although a few people might quibble with that!).

I repeat what I said at the beginning--sometimes when our family members act unlovable, those are the times they need our love the most. These same principles might apply to a spouse, the one we should be closest to in all the world. It might include parents, the ones who brought us into the world. When our family members act unlovable, let's take a deep breath, be the adult, and preserve the relationship!