Thoughts on Premarital Sex
Dear children,
I’d like to share some
thoughts on an important topic—why wait to have sex until you’re married. First,
God’s word affirms that premarital sex is immoral, regardless of what many people
say. Being in love is not enough reason to have sex. The only condition allowed
by God is within the sacred bonds of marriage. This is a matter of faith—faith
that modern prophets have correctly communicated that marriage between a man
and woman is the only approved setting for sex. In “The Family: A Proclamation
to the World,” prophets and apostles declared that “God has commanded
that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and
woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” This is true doctrine.
God’s power of bestowing life involves the deepest of emotions, and He guards that power by commanding that it be reserved for couples who are married to each other. A sexual relationship with someone other than your husband or wife is selfish gratification, fornication, or adultery—among the most serious of all sins. Besides the fact that God says no, there are practical reasons. It’s important to get to know your partner before you have sexual relations. As strange as it might sound, one of the best reasons for refraining from premarital sex is that it eliminates any chance you have of really getting to know the person you are courting. Once you start a sexual relationship, sex is all you and your partner will think about.
Ironically, sex effectively ends 90 percent of the serious discussions between you. You won’t cover the thousand-and-one little things that will make or break a marriage—even little questions like these: Do we have children, and if so, how many? Which set of parents do we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day with, or do we stay home? Will the wife work and if so, for how long? If yes, will she continue to work after a family has been started? What is the spending-saving philosophy? There are many other such questions, but I hope you are getting the idea that these questions should have mutually acceptable answers.
In addition to these reasons, there are real dangers of sex before marriage: harming your morality and self-discipline, getting caught and embarrassed, creating a child outside of marriage, and hurting your chances to stay married.
Marriage is a matter of morality and discipline. If you refrain from sex at this time in your life, when your desires are at their height, you will have demonstrated discipline, restraint, trust, and respect—all of which are critical to a successful marriage. Here’s why: In marriage you and your wife will normally see each other almost every day, but there are still those periods when you will be apart. You may be on a business trip, or one of you may be physically ill. If you have refrained from an immoral act during your youth, you will have undergone the best training and discipline for restraining yourself from immoral acts during your marriage. Some people say they wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, so they don’t want a mate they haven’t “tried out.” What they don’t realize is that cars have no moral values or consciences. Besides, it is a fact that when you drive that car out of the showroom its value drops substantially. It’s also true that if you “try out” a person before marriage, their “value” to you will go down. It’s equally true that your value to them will go down. How tragic!
In situations where pregnancy and childbirth occur, the woman is almost always left with the burden of deciding what to do with the child. In many cases, the man walks away, leaving a train wreck of emotions and often hatred or despair. It is downright shameful for guys to walk away from women in this situation, but it is very common because they only want the fun, not the commitment.
When there has been sexual intimacy before marriage, the divorce rate is much higher. Why is that? In the ideal marriage, the emotional commitment comes first, and then comes the physical intimacy. One of the most important factors in a successful marriage is mutual trust. It’s very comforting to know that when I leave home I never have to worry about Mom being 100 percent loyal to me. Of course, she has the same assurance that I'm going to be 100 percent loyal to her. That’s nice, because it gives each of us a tremendous feeling of security, knowing there is one who loves and trusts us above all others. When a couple has had sex before marriage, they know the other partner is willing to experiment with sex without commitment.
Now, let me share a more emotional perspective. Sex is a fire. It can bring warmth, or it can burn like a forest fire. Hearts and emotions are nothing to trifle with. There is truth to the saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” A lot of guys think they can get intimate with a girl and then walk away from the situation and be free of emotional entanglements, but emotions just don’t work that way. Sex brings emotional closeness. Once sex begins in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to cut the cord and end the relationship without serious hurt feelings.
My counsel to you is to start every date with prayer and end it with prayer. Put on the whole armor of God by praying and obeying God’s laws. This is the way to protect yourselves from Satan’s fiery darts. Double-date as much as possible and spend time together in group activities. Plan to avoid visiting sites or watching movies or television programs that have passion as their theme or the pleasure of immorality as their message. Don’t hide your activities in the shadows, but bring them into the light. Avoid the temptation to park in some dark spot. Not only is it dangerous, but things have a tendency to get out of hand under those circumstances. Never go into either a home unless other family members are present. No young man who truly loves his girlfriend and is using his head would put her in a position that makes her vulnerable—either to the criticism that could result from such indiscreet behavior or the temptation that will result from this behavior.
Love and marriage are joyful things. I enjoy being with Mom. I celebrate our marriage and our physical and emotional intimacy. You can find the same blessings in your life by waiting for the proper time. We love you so much and think of you all the time.
Love,
Dad
(Note: I adapted many of these ideas from a letter posted by Zig Ziglar.)
God’s power of bestowing life involves the deepest of emotions, and He guards that power by commanding that it be reserved for couples who are married to each other. A sexual relationship with someone other than your husband or wife is selfish gratification, fornication, or adultery—among the most serious of all sins. Besides the fact that God says no, there are practical reasons. It’s important to get to know your partner before you have sexual relations. As strange as it might sound, one of the best reasons for refraining from premarital sex is that it eliminates any chance you have of really getting to know the person you are courting. Once you start a sexual relationship, sex is all you and your partner will think about.
Ironically, sex effectively ends 90 percent of the serious discussions between you. You won’t cover the thousand-and-one little things that will make or break a marriage—even little questions like these: Do we have children, and if so, how many? Which set of parents do we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day with, or do we stay home? Will the wife work and if so, for how long? If yes, will she continue to work after a family has been started? What is the spending-saving philosophy? There are many other such questions, but I hope you are getting the idea that these questions should have mutually acceptable answers.
In addition to these reasons, there are real dangers of sex before marriage: harming your morality and self-discipline, getting caught and embarrassed, creating a child outside of marriage, and hurting your chances to stay married.
Marriage is a matter of morality and discipline. If you refrain from sex at this time in your life, when your desires are at their height, you will have demonstrated discipline, restraint, trust, and respect—all of which are critical to a successful marriage. Here’s why: In marriage you and your wife will normally see each other almost every day, but there are still those periods when you will be apart. You may be on a business trip, or one of you may be physically ill. If you have refrained from an immoral act during your youth, you will have undergone the best training and discipline for restraining yourself from immoral acts during your marriage. Some people say they wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, so they don’t want a mate they haven’t “tried out.” What they don’t realize is that cars have no moral values or consciences. Besides, it is a fact that when you drive that car out of the showroom its value drops substantially. It’s also true that if you “try out” a person before marriage, their “value” to you will go down. It’s equally true that your value to them will go down. How tragic!
In situations where pregnancy and childbirth occur, the woman is almost always left with the burden of deciding what to do with the child. In many cases, the man walks away, leaving a train wreck of emotions and often hatred or despair. It is downright shameful for guys to walk away from women in this situation, but it is very common because they only want the fun, not the commitment.
When there has been sexual intimacy before marriage, the divorce rate is much higher. Why is that? In the ideal marriage, the emotional commitment comes first, and then comes the physical intimacy. One of the most important factors in a successful marriage is mutual trust. It’s very comforting to know that when I leave home I never have to worry about Mom being 100 percent loyal to me. Of course, she has the same assurance that I'm going to be 100 percent loyal to her. That’s nice, because it gives each of us a tremendous feeling of security, knowing there is one who loves and trusts us above all others. When a couple has had sex before marriage, they know the other partner is willing to experiment with sex without commitment.
Now, let me share a more emotional perspective. Sex is a fire. It can bring warmth, or it can burn like a forest fire. Hearts and emotions are nothing to trifle with. There is truth to the saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” A lot of guys think they can get intimate with a girl and then walk away from the situation and be free of emotional entanglements, but emotions just don’t work that way. Sex brings emotional closeness. Once sex begins in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to cut the cord and end the relationship without serious hurt feelings.
My counsel to you is to start every date with prayer and end it with prayer. Put on the whole armor of God by praying and obeying God’s laws. This is the way to protect yourselves from Satan’s fiery darts. Double-date as much as possible and spend time together in group activities. Plan to avoid visiting sites or watching movies or television programs that have passion as their theme or the pleasure of immorality as their message. Don’t hide your activities in the shadows, but bring them into the light. Avoid the temptation to park in some dark spot. Not only is it dangerous, but things have a tendency to get out of hand under those circumstances. Never go into either a home unless other family members are present. No young man who truly loves his girlfriend and is using his head would put her in a position that makes her vulnerable—either to the criticism that could result from such indiscreet behavior or the temptation that will result from this behavior.
Love and marriage are joyful things. I enjoy being with Mom. I celebrate our marriage and our physical and emotional intimacy. You can find the same blessings in your life by waiting for the proper time. We love you so much and think of you all the time.
Love,
Dad
(Note: I adapted many of these ideas from a letter posted by Zig Ziglar.)
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